Next week I am going to start this internship that I have been looking forward to all year.
It’s going to be in an international pharmaceutical company (basically the big bad devil) and it’s going to be all about scale-up and pilot plants and super-mega-cool engineering stuff.
Anyways, I’m just really excited. But last week, I was told that there is going to be 3 other interns in our department. For some reason, I found this news to be upsetting. I wondered why for some time, and then I realized something quite revealing of my messed-up psyche: In my real job (a payed one that is) I want to be the boss.
I realized that I don’t want to be one of many. I want to be the one!
I can’t just sit there and replace someone who just retired and who has been doing the same stuff I’ll probably be doing for a couple of years before I quit and get replaced with yet another guy who can fulfill the same required tasks like a little machine. I don’t want to be easily replaced. It turns out, I am one of those people who need that false sense of importance.
So I find myself in a tug of war. On the one hand, I’m pretty sure this is not something to be proud of. it’s egoistic and self-centered very entitled-spoiled-kid attitude too. and yet. On the other hand, I feel like this need also stems from a wish to be really good at what I do. Which is not such a bad thing….
At the end of the day, I think, it’s every 20-something’s constant fear to be useless and to be given some shitty job that any kid in middle school could easily do.
There is also this fear of realizing that college was basically for nothing ( as far as jobs go not as far as personal growth)
I don’t know for sure if that justifies being so self-involved but it comforts me. Helps me sleep at night… if you know what I mean.
The funny thing is, before this internship my attitude used to be completely summed up in this meme:
I don’t really know why I’m going full “meta” with this.